The Names of Allah, the Most High and the Most Gracious.

Salaam 'Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Alhamdulillah, I get to see this day, to type out this entry. Thank You Allah.

I guess I'm beginning to think more nowadays. I am beginning to question why and what ifs more often than ever.

Last night's conversations (after the talk by Ustaz Iqbal Abdullah in school) with a few friends left me wondering:


1. to supplicate with utmost conviction

Have I been doing that all these while? I have to agree that it's hard to follow du'as in the mosques/madrasahs if I don't understand Arab or what that's being recited by the Imam. But what I suggest we can do is to first learn (and I don't mean by merely reciting/singing but internalise the meanings of all the 99 names of Allah swt) the Asma'ul Husna. Through this, InsyaAllah, we should be able to understand the Qur'an, Du'as a little bit more.

Here's a link which I hope you will find useful. http://www.asmaulhusna.com/

I am still in the process of bringing myself closer to the religion. I know it's not an overnight thing. Plus, even if we are 'somewhere there', what's most important is istiqamah (consistency). Even if one feels that he/she has seen the light, received hidayah, etc. It is the follow-up part that is most crucial And I am very worried that I might not be able to pull through. But armed with shabr (patience) and shukr (gratitude) as th two-halves of Iman (faith), I will always remember the need to convict myself fully to Allah swt.


2. Why am I accepting all that is taught without questioning?

I can recall the days where I actively attended my bi-weekly religious classes at a mosque. Alhamdulillah most of the things taught there are still stuck inside my little head. Indeed I am grateful. But there are many other things which I felt that I should have learnt, which I have not learnt.

Back then, I accepted the fact that I have to observe my Five Pillars of Faith i.e. prayers, fast, etc without questioning why. And the asatizahs never really emphasised the importance of why we perform our rituals. Sad to say, there are prayers' recitations which I am still unable to fully comprehend. It's sad I know, but I would rather be honest. I need help too.

But now that I am older, I begin to realise, why in the first place we do so. I know it's inappropriate to provide young kids with surahs, sunnahs and hadiths which are beyond the intelllectual capacity of a 13 year old child. But it is at this age when the mind is most malleable. It can easily be bent, bringing one away from the religion.

My dad always adopts this analogy when raising the three of us up: don't touch the teapot when it's hot i.e. don't go and find problem or do things which can end oneupin misery. But on the other hand, my mum, who is the more optimistic half, will always dare us to touch the hot pot, insisting that the best way to learn is through making mistakes and remember it for the rest of our lives. I call it the 'conditioned reflex' analogy. I love Biology. =).


3. the Will power

I realise that I am not applying whatever that I have learnt in the past. I used to be a self-motivated leader but am dwindling somehow. Need some 'perking up'. So when Norhafiz told me the difference between "I will try to do it" and "I will do it", it made me realise that I have not been doing things the way I should: whole-heartedly. What am I studying for? Hmm, let me see, ultimately, to live comfortably? I simply overlooked the fact that I AM going to become a teacher. Even if it's not in the Islamic fields, it is the intention and passion of wanting to share, to mould the future generation which actually made me realise all this. I am beginning to enjoy what I am studying (somewhat, and still trying to work on this) and InsyaAllah, I am doing this for God i.e. to share and educate all brothers and sisters, both Muslims and non-Muslims alike.


4. the people around me

I am a person who does not do things without understanding why. I have a friend who prays as and when he/she likes it i.e. when she feels ikhlas in wanting to prostrate before the Lord. I don't blame him/her because he/she never got the opportunity to learn about the religion. Through my friends and what I have gone through, parents are like painters and the child, a long (depending on the journey one goes through), white piece of cloth. Whatever that is painted on this cloth reflects the parents' characters and the child's upbringings.

Family and friends play in important role in moulding an individual. But at this stage where I meet my friends more than I get to talk to my family, friends play a greater influence in getting me to where I am today. I am grateful to have the family and friends that I have. What IF I had been in another place? What if I had been born into a different family? What IF I die tomorrow? One can never escape from the What Ifs of life. I know I can't. But as of now, I make do with what I need, not what I want.



I know I may not be the best person to talk to about any form of intellectual discourse, be it Islamic or non-. I can't recall hadiths, nor surahs/sunnahs from the back of my hands. That's why I don't - because that's not who I am. I know what I want in life. And all I want is to share what I know, what I am feeling, what I have gone through. Sometimes I feel like being a mu'allaf, eager to know what it's like to be overwhelmed with what Islam has in store for me. Somehow I would like to go through that 'muallaf-like' transitionary period i.e. from an 'old' Muslim to a new and better Muslim. Indeed, I highly commend all our newly-joined brothers and sisters of this faith.

All said, now I wish I could convict myself fully to my studies. =). It's another conviction which I feel, I need time getting used to.


Wallahua'lam.


Wassalaam.

http://www.asmaulhusna.com/